Though I have been in a much better place this past year I have not been without stress or depression. The emergence of certain past feelings have often arose as new more positive feelings seek to take their place. School has been one of those triggers certainly, especially with this persistent feeling of perfectionism. I tell myself that a fear of failure is the primary cause and that to overcome this incessant need to be what I am not and can never be I must implement an ideology of "permission to fail." I am not saying that I must give up when I am overwhelmed or feel overburdened by house chores, finances, and school. No indeed what I am saying is that partial credit for an assignment is perfectly acceptable. Answering wrong on an exam be it due to incorrect formatting or just using the incorrect math formula, just means I have a mistake to learn from and correct prior to semester finals. It doesn't help that taking 2 math classes in one semester is quite conflicting and may even feel at times as if I am overloading myself mentally. On the other hand I am quite satisfied with my schedule and even the fact that I don't have to worry about too many papers and reports due to not taking English this semester.
School aside its quite a bit different at home these past couple weeks as work has been overbearing for my wife. This week has been particularly stressful on her due to working overtime to compensate for low staff and an influx of customers. I feel a bit neglectful and even a bit under performing in my husbandly duties due to having had to study for a 2 part exam for math. It almost seems like ever since an incident that almost lead to a house fire I haven't quite been able to recover and catch up on school work or housework. Often times I find I have to take a break from school just to clear my mind, so I work outside in the garage or on the yard. Sometimes I even will work on house chores if I am in the right mindset, by that I mean sometimes I require getting out of the house to get a clear mind. Each week I have a goal of finishing schoolwork by Friday morning in order to have the weekend free for some activities outdoors and in the mountains. Alas each week I end up working until Saturday evening on my online class whether it be due to procrastination or just taking time to put housework ahead of school work or even some relationship maintenance.
Well I have been struggling to sleep and even had dreams related to a past relationship. Though the dreams have been mostly positive in a sense of getting some closure I can't help but see a difference in my current relationship verses my past. I am in the most perfect relationship I have ever been in and in the past year it has brought up negative feelings of resentment towards my past. My eyes have been opened in the things I have missed out on being with the wrong person. I have learned much about my own personal love languages and knowing that before now I have never been with anyone who has ever taken an effort to fulfill them as my wife does now. With that however, comes communication and a desire with action in reciprocating in her love languages. That being said sometimes I have to tell her no when she says she will do something such as clean the kitchen as she said tonight(looking at the time I should mean last night) she would do it tomorrow. Well I wasn't tired and I couldn't let her do all that work tomorrow while I stay up sitting in bed watching tv. So I cleaned the kitchen last night and I did a mighty fine job of it, plus it cleared my mind of some stress giving me an inspired idea to start my blog up again.
So there you have it. I am back. I hope to use this resource as an opportunity to voice my thoughts and feelings on life, the universe, everything.
